Ever since I came to college, I’ve been struggling to hold myself together. Struggling to find who I really am, to keep my true values and morals. To stand up for what I believe in, and to show myself that I can believe that I won’t change for the worst. I’m not sure what happens, or what will happen for that matter of fact. I just need to find myself again. My true self. No facades, no layers… just reality.

They always said you could befriend any type of person with the exception a liar.

What did I do. I can’t even trust myself anymore.

Stuck in this helpless cycle…again. When I think I’ve found the right time to finally spill the beans, there’s always something that diverges me away from doing so.

But no one would listen
‘Cause no one else cared
Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.

I had felt the life drain from his eyes, his body go limp,
and his chest stop heaving.
And there was nothing I could do but fall to the floor and cry.
I kept looking for a sign of his presence, that he’s watching over me.
This is the truth that still doesn’t occur to me.

I feel like I don’t belong here.

Stephen Jay Gould

Certainty is both a blessing and a danger. Certainty provides warmth, solace, security–an anchor in the unambiguously factual events of personal observations and experience. But certainty is also a great danger, given the notorious fallibility–and unrivaled power–of the human mind… Of course we must treat the human mind with respect–for nature has fashioned no more admirable instrument. But we must also struggle to stand back and to scrutinize our own mental certainties. This last line poses an obvious paradox, if not an outright contradiction–and I have no resolution to offer. Yes, step back and scrutinize your own mind. But with what?

 “I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call ‘The Physics of The Quest’ — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: ‘If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.’ Or so I’ve come to believe. I can’t help but believe it, given my experience.
Eat Pray Love
Alone – Heart

We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say, “I’ve been there.” This was unclear to him first—I’ve been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.

“So sadness is a place?” Giovanni asked.

“Sometimes people live there for years,” I said.

“As they spoke, the only thing I could think about was that scene from Julius Caesar where Brutus stabs him in the back. Et tu, Eric?”
― Nicholas SparksA Walk to Remember